Every villain is a hero in his own mind

 I've tried to write here a few times but I've never had the energy, but today I wrote a big update for facebook so I thought I'd share it here too:

Surgery went fine, it actually ended up a lot more complicated than initially expected. On my right leg a thumb-sized piece of muscle was removed from the back of my knee and after limping for a week or so I was fine. But this time it was very different! One of the surgeons described it as 'impressively abnormal', stating that with this condition (congenital popliteal artery entrapment syndrome) there is usually some extra muscle compressing the artery, but in my case there was a lot of deformity in the muscle, including the calf which was attached in the wrong place! No wonder I've had so much pain all these years.

So this is a rare condition by itself, then I have the rarer form (congenital) and the surgeon said that this is even rarer due to the abnormal muscle. So sounds like I hit the lottery with ultra-rare condition this time around! At least the doctors were excited to see such an unusual case!

The surgeons said they had to remove a lot of muscle at the back of the knee and detach/reattach my calf muscle in the correct position. Because the surgery was more delicate than intended and muscle was reattached to bone, I woke up with a full leg cast on and an order to keep off of my leg for 6 weeks!

I was expecting to be up and running in a week or so, so it's been quite difficult. But the first week was awful. The pain was so intense I would start feeling nauseous and my vision would start going black. After about 4 days out of the hospital I had to go into A+E because the pain was too intense and my foot had started to go numb and cold.

It turned out that a) I was supposed to have been prescribed strong painkillers but instead was given nothing but paracetamol and b) my leg had begun to swell at the joints, likely because of the pain and possibly because of infection.

I got rushed straight through in A+E and given morphine, my cast was removed and the pressure lessened a lot. I ended up having to stay in the hospital overnight again as they wanted to re-do the cast properly and get my pain under control. It was pretty scary though, I've never felt so much pain in my life.

They let me out the next day with a prescription of dihydrocodeine which has been very helpful and now I'm barely taking it as the pain has lessened a lot. I have to take a blood thinner called dalteparin daily as I'm not supposed to be moving much. Most my time has been spent on the couch with my leg elevated and playing pokémon scarlet since it came out just after I got out of the hospital.

It's really thrown a wrench in my December plans though, especially as this year I wanted to do a big tidy up before new year and also make some gifts and such. My first physio session is on the 28th Dec too, so I can't really go anywhere (not that I could anyways with this cast!) But at least I've finally gotten this surgery done and I'm really looking forward to getting this cast off!

So my pre-op is once again coming up on Thursday and as they haven't cancelled it yet I'm going to assume the op is going ahead. I've been kind of hoping it gets postponed until after Christmas since there' so much other stuff on but at the same time it will be nice to just get it out of the way. We have Nightwish on the 21st and as far as I know that is also going ahead - two years late - but I was half expecting that to be postponed again too after the horrible news that Floor has breast cancer. By the sound of it she caught it very early, so hopefully everything will be okay and she will be cancer free. Last I heard, she had the tumour removed and I haven't heard anything since so I assume she is recovering.

Pokémon Scarlet/Violet are out on the 18th too and I am so excited! I'm obviously going to be in hospital for when they release, but I am hoping my game will have arrived by the time I get home and then I can just chill and play it, before we head to London for Nightwish. I'm super excited about the new region, it's so neat that it's based in Spain, as it's a language and culture close to my heart. Would be cool if it had more Portuguese influence too though, since a few times I think they mentioned it was based on Iberia, more than just Spain itself, but I guess it remains to be seen.

Today I am going to try and make some lists for twitter, as it seems that's what everyone is doing. I'm not entirely sure how it works and such but hopefully E.M. doesn't remove that feature in the future because that would suck. It still sucks in general that the main social platform right now is twitter, and people are basically looking for a new place to go already. At least I have this journal here, even if it's basically private. 

 I finally finished the book 'A Year in the Life of a Shinto Shrine' by John K. Nelson today. It was pretty good and had a lot of insights into Shinto rituals/ceremonies that I would otherwise not have known about. The reading gets a little dry in places but it's very informative, if a little dated. The book is about a year at Suwa shrine in Nagasaki. I'd love to visit the shrine one day as it sounds incredible! it goes through the months, describing notable matsuri and events as well as interviews with priests and parishioners.

At the end of the book there's a detailed map with an explanation of each part of the shrine and a glossary of Shinto terms. All in all, it was a good book and I'll probably be going back over it to make notes on the flow/order of various rituals.

Recently in the Shinto discord chat I am a part of shared a link to someone's shrine: http://www.livingwithkami.com/post/167693033835/wintersharlequin-i-thought-id-post-a-picture-of The actual blog itself has been deleted but the post remains. As you can see, Olivia, a good friend of mine and also a Shinto/Konko Priestess has already replied to it but it's been eating at me so bad. The disrespect in this photo, in this shrine is just... too much.

The first thing that stuck out to me was the fact they used a fox skull in the same place as a kamidana. No type of bones, taxidermy, skins or anything to do with death should be anywhere near a Shinto kamidana as it is extremely offensive to the kami. The reason is that Shinto is a faith of LIFE, not death. Items to do with death contain kegare/tsumi (pollution) and any contact with the dead needs to be purified by misogi. So having a skull in the same place as a kamidana is such a big offense.

Secondly, this person mentions having SEX TOYS on their altar? Although this may be okay with some gods, it is absolutely not okay with kami. Although sex is not frowned upon (of course, many kami are bringers of fertility and some are outright sexual), having your personal sex toys in the same place as a kami is just...?? Why would you even think that is a good idea??

This person's understanding of the kamidana 'house' is also very incorrect. They state 'At the back, we have the ‘house’ part of a kamidana - a shinto shrine. It’s a place for the gods to be when you’ve lit their shrine.'. It sounds like this person is using the kamidana as a general 'god house' while in reality, kamidana are very specific and for the housing of ofuda - sacred talismans that contain the essence of a kami. They mention that 'I do not use ofuda because I purify by other methods' which shows a misunderstanding of what ofuda are. They also state that they purify with incense - something that is not done in Shinto at all. 

First they say they practice Shinto and then say they do not, that they are practicing some mysterious path taught to them by an old man in Chiba? Although it is fine to be of more than one faith, Shinto objects of worship should not be mixed with other faiths and a seperate kamidana should be created to honour the kami.

I hope that this person is just... terribly misinformed but honestly it is as it they haven't even researched even the basic guidelines of Shinto. 

So I've started a new sleep schedule - Bed at 10.30pm, up at 6.00am - I've only done two nights in a row and I've had a little trouble getting to sleep but it's been working alright! I found that having the cutting off time on my to-do list of 5pm REALLY helped as I was a lot more relaxed in the evening and not obsessively thinking about what I need to do before bed. I was tempted to do more studying but instead I just relaxed, played on phone games and then we watched Osomatsu-san before bed. So it was good! I think the SAD light helps a bit too with waking up, though I'm still exhausted by about 11am-12pm. It'll take time, and I know that. 

Anyways, time to go do stuff and things.  

I ended up having a really productive day today which is awesome!

- Had a walk even though I REALLY didn't feel like it
- Completed my assignment for the CalArts online course
- Did Gwers 14 study
- Finished up a commission and inked another
- Did prayers and meditation
- Made myself breakfast
- Had a nap!  

I hope I can keep it up but I also know it's not the end of the world if I don't. I'm proud of what I've accomplished today at least! 

 Ever since I started obsessively making lists, goal-setting and such it has helped me gain more control over my life. I have actually started to notice when the week ends and the weekend begins, I managed to track things for a while and I remember appointments more often. Lately though, I have fallen off the wagon. The one thing that gave me semi-control has fallen by the way-side and I need to get back on. It's distressing and frustrating. I wonder if I have overwhelmed myself. I'm struggling so much and I feel like time is getting away from me. 

I think I'm gonna maybe change up the bullet journalling a bit or something. I need a boost to get back on top of things. I have the moot Tuesday and I don't wanna duck out. I'd really like to go to the Loughborough one too, the local pagan community needs all the support it can get. 

I did needle felting again today. I finished the fox, at least I don't want to work on it any longer in fear of overworking it. I added a bib and bow and I'm pretty pleased with it for my first proper project. I much prefer glass eyes rather than felted ones too, I think it just makes them look so much more alive. I posted it into a needle felting FB page and it got really good reception too which made me happy! I am currently working on a rat but I'm not too happy with the shape of the body, it needs lots of work. 

The tablet seems to be working again anyways, so I'm really happy about that! The pressure and stuff works so much better too, I didn't realize the wire could fuck that up so much :/ £55 was so much for a wire but as it's the average price for a commission from me I guess it's also alright? Charlie loaned me it so I put it down as a business expense and I'm gonna pay him back ASAP. 

Besides felting I just worked on my bullet journal today. I added the pages for February and stuff, plus a lovey dovey page for Charlie as next month is valentine's day. I nearly forgot about valentine's actually, I was so focused on setsubun! 

Last night I had a dream in which my left eye was green and my right eye green. It was weird but kinda cool. I feel maybe I became closer with my spiritual self, I'm not sure how to explain it. I felt I needed to draw a white fox with those eye colours when I woke up though. I want to make a myoubu character, so that helped. 

 Last night I watched a bunch of needle felting videos and I feel really inspired again ahhh I'm gonna try it again soon, need to take a quick walk first though. I'm gonna make some little foxes I think, something like that. I found someone who does REALLY good pet portraits and I'm so inspired to start ;; It should really scratch my taxidermy 'itch' too! 

This morning was hectic, I called HMRC because my accounts are all muddled up. I couldn't resolve it over the phone so I've had to write a letter. Hopefully they'll actually get it. I probably owe thousands in tax but I have no idea how to get into my account >< Good news is that Charlie went to the pharmacy and they actually had my T, so that's booked in for the 1st. That's good and stuff! It's still WAY overdue and I am feeling the hormonal crappiness. 

Anyways, walk time now before the weather changes or something. 

 Today I actually got up at 9am which is good for me lately. My middle and my right thigh are really achey but I'm hoping they calm down soon.

I've been reading a lot more about Shinto and trying to make my rituals more 'accurate'. I need to remember things more too as I really want to serve the kami and please them. If I wasn't physically limited I would love to become a priest one day but who knows. I at least plan on having a hokora and being a lay-priest for it. I would of course like to obtain a wakemitama of Inari-Okami from Fushimi Inari Taisha for this purpose. That is my main goal at the moment and somehow I will work towards it. 

I want to try my best to visit Brock's Hill this week if I can. It's going to be a struggle but hopefully I can make it. If the weather is like today, I think it will help, and I know kamisama will help me. 

I am going to go for a walk now to refresh myself as the window latch is broken and we can't open it. I guess it's a blessing in disguise though as it's making me go out more. After that I'm going to work on some commission work! 

I pray today goes well, and I pray everyone else has a great Monday too!