Every villain is a hero in his own mind

 So this year's new years was quite nice. Dylan came up and I spent a lot of time playing games with them, the types that you host on the TV and play on your phone. We also played Munchkin and cards against humanity which were fun! I'm so socially awkward, and even more so when I am in Fenris form which I've ended up in a lot lately. It used to be that I was basically miserable all the while because of what happened with the Hawke I kinda knew, who I now know was fake because fuck Kerry and how manipulative she is. But I've started to be okay with people not of my verse and actually hang out with them, even though it does still feel like I'm fighting my instincts to basically just leave and drink alone.

But it was nice. I still managed to also do a ritual in honour of Loki/The Adversary on New Year's Eve, and I intended to observe Saitan-sai with Shusse Inari on New Year's Day but their livestream was delayed. I think I will watch it tomorrow as I believe I am alone then as both Bazu and Charlie have work. It'll be extremely nice to have a day alone after all of the socialising and recovery.

I've made a list of goals for 2023 in all categories of my life. The last few years I've been forgetting to do that properly and not reminding myself of them. I hope that this year I can go forth with a clear mind and really start to take a step forward. 

 Last night I ended up going to the moot even though I really didn't feel like it, so I'm pretty damn proud of myself! I really wanted to support the leader guy Ian as he's had a rough time lately and there's been lots of pagan moots closing down which absolutely sucks. It was a good moot anyways, even if a lot of it was Ian explaining things to people who were attending out of interest (yes, they asked what we kill at rituals). 

I was making notes on my phone through our discussions, and I brought up the topic of what we do when we're ill/fatigued etc in terms of prayer/ritual. Denise who is a Lokean said something like 'if you literally can't do it and feel you have to, then that deity doesn't deserve to be worshipped' and it was such a weird moment like it full on felt like it was Loki saying it. So that's been in my mind a lot. 

We also talked about the similarities between prayer and magic and about how it's all about intent and not the method. I feel this is especially important in Shinto, especially when people say they can't pray properly and such because they don't have a Goshintai/ofuda. Ian was talking about how a magic spell is like focusing in on a specific problem and actively trying to change yourself - whether you believe in magic or not. I thought that was a kind of mental breakthrough for me, as I often have the doubts and such when I work with magic. 

We also had a great discussion on what causes harm in paganism and what can be considered harm. I love that kind of philosophicalspeech! I felt bad that Ian had to talk so much but it feels like we're all gathering around and listening to a bard or something when he speaks and I really love it! 

So yeah, good moot and I'm looking forward to the next one! 

OKAY so. Let me tell you a story about how fucking racist and rude people can be. Firstly we were stuck in the car with Alan for 5 hours or so? It was a 2 1/2 hour journey but it took twice as long because of several accidents on the roads. He also drove so fast we ended up with a bad stomach ache afterwards. Alan himself is a nice man (and he's done so good for our mum so we're never gonna speak against him to his face) but he's very overbearing and has a thick black country-type accent so is difficult to understand. He also seems to have no concept of what is okay to say about foreigners or not, calling them slur names, blaming them for run down parts of villages/towns etc It made us feel so uncomfortable just sitting in the car. He's straight up racist but also is like 64 so that's at least is easier to understand from our generation's POV?

So eventually we arrived in Wales and mum basically rushed us to go outside and stuff as we had a meal booked at a Chinese restaurant. She also told us my brother-in-law Dane would be coming too and he is honestly an absolute cunt. Basically, he used to be pretty nice and stuff, he was hard-working but I knew he had an awful relationship with his mother. He was going under some stress and such and then he cracked, saw Jesus and some shit and committed himself into a mental hospital who said he had schizophrenia and aspergers. Okay cool, at least he got diagnozed.

But then he just got so lazy it was unbelievable, started being incredibly rude to my sister and my mum, and went so far as to make my other sister cry at Christmas. He blames everything on his illness and now is milking the benefits system, openly stating that he is happy he never has to work again. He spends his days drinking, smoking and leeching off of my sister. He treats her like absolute shit and will never admit that he's changed. As far as I know he's still in therapy but what that's doing who knows.

For a while I just assumed that he's very ill and obviously needs therapy but I'm really not so sure any more. Mum says she's seem him running about without his stick (he gained a LOT of weight so now says he has back problems), and that he seems to be faking a lot of things. He loves to be the centre of attention and will be incredibly rude to most of my family and strangers.

When my sister was very ill in hospital with hydrocephalus he only visited because mum took him, and even then he started a huge argument yelling at the nurse and upsetting her for NO reason. He's an absolute cunt, seriously. I don't believe it's his illness at all. And apparently he has like everything ever wrong with him and managed to sign onto PIP and get a blue badge (whilst even my nana who was VERY ill for many years was refused one). It's absolutely disgusting, seriously.

So anyways, tonight we were at a Chinese restaurant and he proceeded to make VERY loud comments about how he hated Chinese food, how there was only ONE english thing on the menu, told the chinese waitress she should get English lessons and generally took the piss. It upset me to the point I had to walk out and just rant to Charlie bc jesus christ it was bad. My sister just fucking agreed with everything he said too like?? And Alan and my Uncle just spoke over the lady as she was asking for our orders, and then they took the piss when she couldn't hear them. Just nnnnghhhh. There is NO fucking need.

Not to mention almost everyone messing around with the chopsticks like they were 5 years old - sticking them in their mouth like teeth, in their nose, banging them on the table and stabbing them into food, saying loudly that they didn't want to use them. Honestly I felt so fucking ashamed.

I honestly feel like I just went to dinner with a bunch of spoiled kids, not adults. At least I just have tomorrow and then the day after we're going back home. SIGGGH.