Every villain is a hero in his own mind

 So I've been wanting to write an entry on BPD and how it affects me. I know that it affects everyone differently so I guess this is a personal story more than anything. I'm also going to leave this entry public as you never know when it might help someone. Also, BPD (borderline personality disorder) is sometimes called EUPD (emotionally unstable personality disorder), but I am so used to the term BPD that I will stick with that. 

I was 'pre-diagnosed' with BPD around 2005 through a psychiatrist. I say 'pre-diagnosed' as it was mentioned several times but was never noted down on my records, or formally diagnosed. I wish they had of as it could have put me into treatment earlier on and saved me a lot of frustration. It took all the way until this year, 2017, for it to be properly diagnosed by a personality disorder specialist. 

BPD is a weird one. When you're not on medication it is the worst fucking thing in the world. When you are it seems manageable and trivial - at least until you have some kind of episode. My un-medicated years were horrible - I was abusive, emotionally messed up, a self-harmer, violent and an all out horrible person. I physically attacked people, drove people away, lost pretty much all my friends and had such a lack of self-identity that it complicated things further. I had what my psychiatrist called 'red rages' - rages which were pretty much unprovoked but would escalate so quickly and violently that my partner at the time called the police on one occasion, out of the fear that I would harm her. 

Eventually I became so miserable and alone that I gave in and resorted to medication. Although the first drug I tried (citalopram) didn't seem to work and just made me sick, the second one (sertraline) worked well. It curbed most of my symptoms and made me more functional at least. I ended up on the maximum dose and it made me emotionally numb. I know that sounds so fucking cliché and emo, but it was distressing. I realized that I couldn't live like that when I couldn't express upset and grief at my grandma's funeral, something that has effected me ever since. So I was put on venlafaxine.

Venlafaxine so far has been okay, it seems to help with daily life and although it doesn't stop symptoms, it does make them manageable so I'm happy with that. And I appreciate actually being able to feel the emotions, even if they can be at the wrong times sometimes. And so yeah, lets talk about my 'symptoms'. 

I find personality disorders an interesting subject because really... what can be define as a 'normal' personality disorder? I believe that PDs are a lot more common than people think and I doubt there are many people who don't have one. Like the autistic spectrum I believe it ranges in severity. I also find the idea that my personality is disordered mildly distressing - I lack a strong sense of self and so this doesn't help. I believe PDs are a way for neurotypical people to put us into boxes and to try and understand us. 

The main problems I have with my PD is my struggle with emotions. This makes it sound like I just cry all the time or something, but that's not it. It's more like I wasn't given a emotional manual as a child and I'm not always sure what emotions are appropriate for a particular situation. I've been called cold, manipulative etc, all the things. Sometimes when confronted with people who are very emotional I feel like my brain is loading, searching for the 'correct' emotions as if it is going through some kind of filter. 

Another problem I have is not knowing my own opinions and feelings towards others. I can literally feel love towards you one second, and hate the next. It sounds so stereotypical but it happens a lot. I have it with friends a lot and I have to bite my tongue nearly every day to not insult and push people away, not matter how much I care about them. I thank the gods that it hasn't affected my relationship with Charlie. I always thought it would be a problem but I know he understands when to give me space (and when not to). 

Speaking of Charlie, he is definately my FP (though I REALLY dislike that term as I feel like it's thrown around so much). I'm nowhere as near as I'd be if I was off meds though, and knowing when he's coming home and stuff helps a lot. I don't think I'd be able to deal if it was long distance but we don't have to deal with that so I'm super happy about that. 

I can't say if this is a direct symptom of BPD or not because I'm not sure, but I also have pretty bad social anxiety and depression/anxiety in general. My psychiatrists suggested it could be schizotypal personality disorder, but we'll see how that plays out. As it's not formally diagnosed, I prefer to leave it out for now. 

BPD is a bitch to live with when it takes over, but it is manageable. If there's one thing I hate it's when people blame it for everything though. I've seen people throw the terms 'FP' and 'splitting' around in situations where it really doesn't seem appropriate. Maybe it's because I want to get better, I want to become a member of society and not be outcast as a 'crazy person', but who knows? For instance I saw someone claim to have a different FP almost every few days... that's not what it is, at least to me. Of course I think everyone experiences BPD differently, but maybe I feel a little defensive over it almost after having lived with it for such a while.

As for what 'causes' it? I strongly believe it was caused by my childhood traumas. My mother lacked any emotional attachment to be as a child due to illness (and me being a C section), and after that I had many, many family problems as a kid. I also experienced sexual and emotional abuse as a teenager and it just kind of built up. At the same time I know some people can have PDs without any kind of trauma.

In the end, these are my own opinions, and I know this won't be my last post on PDs. So uh, stay tuned?