Entry tags:
#005 Liar, liar
I'm feeling haunted. And by that I mean I'm feeling hounded by guilt right now and also literally through my dreams, via my grandma.
Basically my mum invited Charlie and I to Wales from the 29th-30th September for my auntie's birthday. They are gonna book the local social club and have a little party and such. My mum's boyfriend offered to bring us from Wigston to Mold, a 2 1/2 hour trip via car rather than the usual 4 hours in a train. Only problem would have been that we'd have to take Baz's futon up and sleep on the floor. I agreed to go and said we'd work something out for the sleeping arrangement. I'd also get to see my baby nephew for the first time in nearly a year.
I was stressing over it for weeks especially as my pain levels shot up and knew in the back of my mind I would cancel. Sleeping on the floor would not be an option and nearly three hours in a car would kill my legs. Plus I'm not really supposed to drink so being at a social club would also not be good. So I made up an excuse not to go, saying that Charlie had a work trial on that day. Mum said she was disappointed but it was alright. This morning she messaged me again asking if we could maybe go after the work trial and it seemed like she really wanted to go.
So even with the imaginary work trial it would be possible for us to go - it's not too long to get there and such. But of course I already had it in my mind that we weren't going and so I said it was probably going to be too late. And it really hit me that I was lying to my mother. If you used to read my old LJ posts you'll know I have a very complicated relationship with my mother and for years I despised her. Everything came to a head a few years ago and since I've been separated from her my relationship with her is actually better. But I can't help but feel I owe her so much. Just lying about something to avoid going to Wales for the weekend is ripping me apart.
Last night my nana was in my dreams. I don't think it was an actual visitation but it was a strong reminder of what happened last time I cancelled a family event (well it was because I couldn't go as I have a pre-booked event on but still). In short, I missed the last weekend with my nana while she was still alive. And that destroyed me and I don't think I'll ever recover from the guilt.
It's going to sound dramatic but what if this is also the last weekend my auntie will be alive? What if something happens? It's her 60th birthday. I feel like absolute scum. I've always struggled with guilt to a pretty extreme level and it's always in the back of my mind. But what's done is done and I'm also too stubborn to come clean with my mum, or change my mind. Change is a huge trigger for me and it makes living day to day life pretty hard too.
BPD is not easy to live with - even whilst I'm on medications it comes back. It's more like medication trades some aspects for others and guilt is one that is always pretty powerful.
Loki, Hail to You and I pray that You can help me get around this one.
Basically my mum invited Charlie and I to Wales from the 29th-30th September for my auntie's birthday. They are gonna book the local social club and have a little party and such. My mum's boyfriend offered to bring us from Wigston to Mold, a 2 1/2 hour trip via car rather than the usual 4 hours in a train. Only problem would have been that we'd have to take Baz's futon up and sleep on the floor. I agreed to go and said we'd work something out for the sleeping arrangement. I'd also get to see my baby nephew for the first time in nearly a year.
I was stressing over it for weeks especially as my pain levels shot up and knew in the back of my mind I would cancel. Sleeping on the floor would not be an option and nearly three hours in a car would kill my legs. Plus I'm not really supposed to drink so being at a social club would also not be good. So I made up an excuse not to go, saying that Charlie had a work trial on that day. Mum said she was disappointed but it was alright. This morning she messaged me again asking if we could maybe go after the work trial and it seemed like she really wanted to go.
So even with the imaginary work trial it would be possible for us to go - it's not too long to get there and such. But of course I already had it in my mind that we weren't going and so I said it was probably going to be too late. And it really hit me that I was lying to my mother. If you used to read my old LJ posts you'll know I have a very complicated relationship with my mother and for years I despised her. Everything came to a head a few years ago and since I've been separated from her my relationship with her is actually better. But I can't help but feel I owe her so much. Just lying about something to avoid going to Wales for the weekend is ripping me apart.
Last night my nana was in my dreams. I don't think it was an actual visitation but it was a strong reminder of what happened last time I cancelled a family event (well it was because I couldn't go as I have a pre-booked event on but still). In short, I missed the last weekend with my nana while she was still alive. And that destroyed me and I don't think I'll ever recover from the guilt.
It's going to sound dramatic but what if this is also the last weekend my auntie will be alive? What if something happens? It's her 60th birthday. I feel like absolute scum. I've always struggled with guilt to a pretty extreme level and it's always in the back of my mind. But what's done is done and I'm also too stubborn to come clean with my mum, or change my mind. Change is a huge trigger for me and it makes living day to day life pretty hard too.
BPD is not easy to live with - even whilst I'm on medications it comes back. It's more like medication trades some aspects for others and guilt is one that is always pretty powerful.
Loki, Hail to You and I pray that You can help me get around this one.